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go all the way all the time, even with types

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things they are a-changing.

i want to be out at work but i don't know how, or why it's important to me, just that i'm fenced in and fighting with a narrow, traditionalized bastion of public sector employees and it hurts. with one very notable exception:

i want to know how to act around my new boss. he seems too kind to be true, consistently impressed with my work and my attitude, and i don't know how to handle that. he also asks questions, takes an interest, looks at me and gives me life advice that has a way of sticking in my brain. he listens when i tell him little things about myself. he makes me feel safe, a feeling like hiding under a bird's wing in the middle of a thunderstorm.

does he see himself in me? his life, will that be mine in ten years?

i've never worked for someone who really wanted to know me as an individual. consequently i've never tried to show my soi-disant, my inner thoughts and feelings, while working. no one wants to be that person who floods out intimate details to everyone in earshot. i've learned that lesson that queer girls know so well; sit down, shut up, cross your legs, fix your coworkers with your huge brown eyes and don't smile.

i know (because he told me) that he only treats me in such a kind way because a little love and attention go a long way toward increasing my productivity, and a little encouragement lets my prodigious mind race far and deep into problems, chasing down solutions and charting results. a little human sympathy is apparently the secret to making me work until my brain melts out my ears and pulls on the heartstrings of my loyalty.

it's a trade that i'm pleased with. the problem is that he still only knows my at-work self. usually when i'm trading for human contact, i'm doing so on my terms, and the major cruxes of my life have been exposed as a sort of roadmap. the person knows not to go certain places with me (hunger, high school, sharps) and that my soul has been stamped with some very specific practices (karate, kendo, horses, queer life, university, lyon). in short, he completely lacks the context to counsel me.

i need to give that context, not because i expect him to care at all, but because i need his advice to stay applicable to my life in order to keep getting my end of the trade and to keep my at-work performance at its current, all time energy high. the trade has begun and i don't think it can be stopped at this point.

six weeks in and it feels like a completely different workplace. what if i hadn't been tapped? what does this say about me?

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